some feels

So i'm 18 now. Going to start university soon, hopefully at KCL . It's been a good few year since i've posted anything so keep that in mind if this piece is slightly terrible.

I used to be alright at writing once upon a time. A little cringe at times but nonetheless alright. I remember my work being passed around to be read because a teacher liked it and my classmates gasping and grinning at me. i thought everything was okay for a while.
GCSE's came and it wasn't great but i know now that it was what i deserved.
and then years passed and writing went out of the picture because i strived to be someone who would be so likeable and relatable but that wasn't even half the reason why.
i was smart when i was younger- pretty damn smart. i was quick and always showed my parents whenever i did well and then it hit me that i only ever did well to hear praises from mum and dad.
i guess most kids are like that but the intensity varies i guess from kid to kid?
i don't usually read or believe horoscopes but when i read that libras are jealous freaks , let me be the first to say damn right!
I'm spending so much of my time dwelling about things i am not.  for examples this is my head right now .. 
  i can't
.play and instrument
.sing or dance
.study properly
.good at sports
.brave or courageous at life
and so much more
There are people I know who can do all this and so much more and right now that just twists the knife in a little deeper.
Don't get me wrong I'm not depressed or anything but I'm just tired. My parents and especially my dad went through a lot in life and i don't want to be an extra obstacle in the way. I love them too much for that.  I don't know who to tell and where to start because my brain cant process all the words at once.
I'm not special ,i'm so ordinary and that scares me but it shouldn't because i have done nothing useful with my life. So why should I be worried about something i can't change? keep in mind that I'm only 18 but right now it feels like its been too long , especially when it's been 18 years wasted.

An Optician's Thought...

The coconut like whites of his eyes gently carve around the ripples of the dark cinnamon iris combined by the faint mahogany streaks as if it were to show internal scratches which were so , intricately designed. Those calming lashes, stroked outwards in perfect symmetry while glued together in thick bunches;blushing at every blink, yet sticking up at a forty five degree angle with the upmost pride. Delicately dilating, the intimidated pupil minimises against the merciless light like a vampire at sunrise!
One could quite easily mistake his eyes for tempered chocolate, as they both share the identical relation of possessing an irresistible sheen, competing equally with the feminine eyelashes he has.For the moment, when he was forcibly glaring at me , i had no choice but to feel embarrassed due to the feeling of nudity as it seemed  as if this stranger , this imposter could look right through me, where then every air molecule suddenly became a frosted dagger which was stuck inside of me. Illuminating as they were , it seemed as if the sun was unworthy of casting as much brightness as the eyes sitting in front of me.....His eyes were a sin. An utter sin! The acorn brown swimming in the centre glints like a safe waiting to be opened, dangerously encasing some demon, which has been waiting to be unleashed. So I just keep glancing at the safe instead. I don't want to be entangled in any mess right now.
Ten minutes pass and my shock struck body is still yet in awe, studying these diamond orbs like a mad pervert. If it enables me to drown in the pool of ecstasy before me - then by all means call me a pervert. The flash did stop, expanding the dilated pupil, smoothly, slowly, like a balck hole ready to engulf, the movement of the streaks in his brownness was in amiable sync blending deeply with that beautiful ochre colour. He left eventually, with his canine and white cane... this whole escapade filled me with pity - that poor man cannot witness what i had just seen. That poor man cannot witness those opalescent lillies gleaming in the shimmering palace of celestial maidens.

Verbal Presentation

Deranged from swallowing those insolent words,twisting inside my throat like a stab in the gut from a barbarous knife... These fragments of my soul levitate around me .... Is this a dream or am i alive? Restrained by the invisible ropes around my neck, I'm confined by the extra terrestrials creatures unblinkingly glaring at me with their ludicrous expectations and ''standards''. There is no way out. I have to do this...... What seems to be like the loudest whisper just flutters out from my lips like a delicate snowflake falling upon the merciless ground.Utterly useless! Anxiously pecking at my lips , i anticipate for those reassuring eyes to tell me that I'm okay and that I'm not drinking myself into the oblivion.

Sweat swims on the wet palms of my hands while my gnawed  nails stupidly try and dig into my thighs as if to achieve serenity;that won't happen for as long as i am standing here, not when all these orbs are glaring at me...            

Will this forever ever end ?

My voice echoes to a stop, ultimately posing a end to this torture, enabling my eyeballs to relax the  red veins splitting out of my sclera, to stop my skinny heart from banging out of my chest. Oh thank the lord! 

I sweep down on to the sweet wooden chair laying my shock stricken body to a rest ..... now i can finally watch someone give a verbal presentation.